Coming Back From A Setback – Day 7

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Day 7 – The Sun Has Risen

7:30am – Beep, beep, beep.
It’s time for Nick to get up and go to work, but instead of getting up he cuddles up even closer.
“Would you like me to stay home with you today?” he said.
I know Nick was being genuine, it’s in his nature to be caring. But I can’t help but find it amusing that he might be using my downturn as an excuse to get out of work.
I smile, “No. Besides, I’m feeling better today”. And I actually mean it.
“Also, your the only one of us that has a job”
Sad, but mostly true. While I still have two shifts left at my current job, I put in my letter of resignation about a week ago.
I promptly roll over and go back to sleep while Nick drags himself begrudgingly out of bed.

8am – I wake up to see Nick fully dressed for work and offering me a cup of freshly made coffee. I am over the moon. Perhaps I should’ve let him stay home.

8:10am – Hot coffee in one hand and journal in the other, it is time plan another day. I started to build some momentum last night and I intend to keep it going.
Today’s To Dos
– Complete paperwork for my psychologist appointment
– Blogging (I am falling far behind – gulp!)
– Get in touch with the uni about my current status (Technically, this should have been done on Monday aka Day 5. But we all know how that day went don’t we, dear readers)
– Cooking (this is entirely optional, but I hope I can get to it)

9am – Might as well get the paperwork out of the way, seems easy enough. Download some documents, send off some emails. Easy peasy.

9:30am – While the laptop is out, only makes sense to get blogging. I have missed this process of going through my day and analysing it. No matter how crappy the day there is always something I can take from it.

10:30am – It’s breakfast time and, to make things even better, I am doing it in bulk! Bacon and egg muffins, eat one and freeze five. Now we will once again have ready-made breakfast to heat and eat on rushed days. Win-win.

10:45am – %$#&! My finger! Owie, owie, owie, owie….
Sigh…
Note to self, don’t put fingers on hotplate that is clearly on. Sounds simple enough, but clearly I need to revisit this little life lesson.

11am – Breakfast, done. Leftover breakfast muffins wrapped and in the freezer. Time to start making some banana and oat muffins. I’m on a roll!

12:30pm – I finish making muffins and then the Youtube app just.. dies? Is the internet out again? I guess I will just reset the modem – AGAIN!

1pm – Oh my God! Youtube is ACTUALLY down! How does that even happen?
Holy $#%*! It’s worldwide!
People must be freaking out.
Wait.. What’s going to stop me from going insane doing the dishes!? While cooking is my happy place, cleaning dishes may certainly be my personal hell.

1:30pm – Turns out there was something else that I used to listened to while doing chores before Youtube consumed my life – podcasts! And thankfully due to my benign neglect, I have racked up quite a few to listen to.
Throw me that apron while I snap on these gloves, I have dishes to clean!

4pm – Just checked my emails and turns out I need to chase my former doctor for one of the documents I need for my appointment tomorrow.
Sigh.
Surely it will just be a simple phone call and I will be done chasing pieces of paper.

4:15pm – Turns out nothing is simple when it comes privacy law. The young receptionist had to put me on hold and check if I can indeed request the documents I need. Apparently the answer is no.
So now I need to tell my psychologist that they need to ask for the documents directly. Sigh.
I have already spoken to three different people about getting my mental health care plan sent to my new psychologist.
I feel like a ball in a pinball machine.

4:20pm – Next on my round of baking, chocolate chip cookies! The recipe went so well last time, I am keen to give it another go

4:40pm – Ok, so something went wrong with the cookies. I mean… their not inedible, but these are some damn ugly looking cookies.
I have no idea what happened… Perhaps a missed ingredient? I’m at a loss on this one.
I know Nick will still eat them regardless, so I guess I will just pass it off as one of life’s mysteries.

4:45pm – It’s not on the list of today’s to dos, but Youtube has inspired me to audit my pantry. We have a crazy amount of food in this apartment after we merged our belongings and I have no idea what exactly we have anymore.

6pm – Nick is home and, as predicted, he doesn’t care in the slightest that the cookies look misshapen and are crumbly. We both filled up on cookies, and now I think those veggie burritos I was planning for dinner are off the cards.

6:15pm – What feels like an eternity later, I finished listing every single thing in our pantry. It’s a two page document with items grouped together in tables. I’m feeling pretty proud.

7pm – Based on the new pantry list, I worked out that we need buy less than 10 things at the supermarket for a full week of meals. How awesome is that!?

8pm – I decided that I should have something more substantial for dinner despite not really feeling hungry after stuffing my face with cookies.
Time to boil up some brown rice, and cut up some veggies for salsa.

8:20pm – I no longer have the patience for this. The tiredness has set in and I just want to walk away from this entire meal.
“You need to eat something” said Nick, “Pull out one of the leftover frozen dinners and reheat it. We can use what you have done for tomorrow night.”
“Fiiiiinnnne”, I’m in no mood to fight him on this, “but I’m having the last of the beef and potato curry”.

9pm – With dinner finished I am actually feeling little more energetic, which is problematic because I should be going to sleep now. I pull out my latest book to read and start getting into it. Better than looking at screens surely.

10pm – Despite feeling tired, I don’t want to put this book down. The author has caught me in their literary web. Must. Keep. Reading.

10:45pm – Ok, ok, it’s getting late I will put the book down and go to sleep. I will play some relaxation sounds off my phone and go to sleep.

11pm – I’m trying to sleep and memories are flashing before my eyes. I try to shake the images away, but they just won’t stop. I’m crying and curling up into a ball.
I eventually crawl my way out into the living room, and collapse at Nick’s feet. He sees me upset and starts to comfort me.
“Bad dreams?”, he asks.
“No”, I say between sniffles. “Flashbacks”.
Possibly one of the worst things about having a trauma history is the invasive memories. They come out of seemingly nowhere and refuse to let go once they have me in their grasp.

11:10pm – Nick and I are back in the bed watching Netflix off one of the iPads. The cat is happily purring away between us and is delighted that Nick is in bed so early.
I know I am trying to avoid having the screens in bed, but there is no way I am going back to sleep while my past is trying to barge its way in to the present.
I’m still trying to work out how to manage these invasions of my mind. The only way I know how do it without alcohol is to drown it out with other media, but surely there are better ways.

12:30am? – I finally turn off the iPad and go to sleep. Hopefully I drift off before the thoughts can get to me.

On Reflection

Despite the poor sleep quality due to the late night and flashbacks, this was a pretty solid day. I am glad to see the pendulum is starting to swing back the other way after how difficult the earlier days of the week have been.

Ideally, I would have liked to have gotten more blogging done, but it simply wasn’t on the cards. I lacked the concentration needed, constantly jumping from one task to the next. Cooking instead let me play around in the kitchen, lifting up my overall mood for the day.

Overall, I think that the work I put in today will put me in good stead for tomorrow and the rest of the week.

Goodbye for now, and I hope to see you tomorrow for day 8 on my journey to wellness.

Coming Back From A Setback – Day 6

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Day 6 – Navigating Through The Darkness

10:30am – I’m finally getting out of bed. I have already woken up multiple times this morning but I had zero motivation to get up. Part of me is still reluctant to get up, happy to sleep the day away. What’s the point?

11am – I am playing with my new markers and pens that were delivered to Nick’s office yesterday. I still have zero motivation to do anything productive, and my tremors are proving problematic while doing swatches in my collections journal.
Sigh.
Also, why is there no number co-ordinating colours on Crayola® SuperTips markers!? I literally had to troll through the internet to find what the name of the colour for each marker was. I know this may sound silly, but we aren’t talking about a pack of like ten markers here. This is a pack of FIFTY markers, all in varying shades of the basic colours!!

12pm – I suppose I should eat something. It’s probably half the reason why my tremors are so bad. Peanut butter on toast it is.

12:30pm – Not posting yesterday means I am now two days behind, so I might try getting some blogging done. Maybe it will be enough to shake me out of this mood.

2:30pm – I can’t believe it. Writing out day 5 in all it’s horror actually worked.
I am feeling a little bit more ok knowing that this is just a blip on my road to recovery. Breakthrough!

6:30pm – Nick is back from work and I am feeling ok enough to go for a walk. The beach is gorgeous, and there are still so many people around. I have even done all the food prep for dinner so we can pop it on when we get back.
Is this the start of an upturn that I am desperately needing?

7:30pm– Dinner time! So glad I put the effort in to cook. I love this beef and potato curry – so tasty!

8pm – Nick asked me if I wanted to do some gaming with him and I said yes, “but only for 30 minutes”. Little did I know that when I said that the clock in the kitchen had not been changed for daylight savings. Oops!
Guess I’m going to bed a little later than expected.

8:30pm – Time to start the sleep routine. No more screens. Shower. And a little bit of reading.

10pm – Sleep time. I put away my book, turn on some sleep sounds and hope that I am able to get a solid rest.

On Reflection

This day marked the beginning of a potential shift back to a more positive mindset. I’m see a light at the end of the tunnel here, and it is shining bright.

Nick is, once again, hitting it out of the park. I don’t know whether he has been doing research, or is simply reading cues I am unaware of, but he continuously seems to know what I need, when I need it. I am so blessed to have this kind of support in my life.

Today is also a solid demonstrated of the usefulness of blogging for my mindset. By doing these blog posts to break down my day, pulling it apart to work out what helping and what isn’t, I feel like I am making solid progress on my journey.

Coming Back From A Setback – Day 5

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Day 5 – The Return of The Depression Kitty

5am – It’s a brand new day and I am stoked about getting that sleep routine down! I still feel a bit tired this morning, but I am going to say it is probably due to going to bed a little later. Time to pull out my journal and get the day in order.
Today’s To Dos
– Follow up GP appointment
– Start reading my new book
Seems simple enough.

9am – Uggghhh… That fatigue is really setting in. Maybe I will just take a brief nap, my appointment is at 11am so I can stand to have about a one hour snooze. Not ideal, but it is just so wet and dreary outside, and bed is so inviting and warm. Who can resist?

10am – Blech, now I REALLY don’t want to get out of bed. Napping was a TERRIBLE idea. Time to sprint to get ready and go to my appointment.

11am – I arrive at the doctor’s office and walk up to reception, where I am promptly told that my doctor is not here today and they have been trying to call me, but had failed to get through.
OH #$%&! Those calls on message bank….
My world is crashing down.
I immediately start panicking. The receptionist then tells me that all of the doctors have been booked out for the day.
WELL $%&#! What the $#%& am I going to do now?!?
Either the receptionist was a mind reader, or she could see the look of sheer horror on my face, because I was immediately told that they do take walk-ins, but it will be at least a thirty minute wait and I won’t be bulk-billed.
“Well I don’t have much of choice” trying to force a laugh. I was clearly distressed at this point. My tremors were severe, I was choking back tears and hugging my jacket for comfort.

11:15am – I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok
I keep trying to reassure myself and use my new book as a distraction, but then the anxiety inducing questions start coming up.
What happens now? This wasn’t part of the plan.
What will this new doctor say?
What about the plan my doctor and I were building?
Breathe. Just breathe.

11:30am – I’m finally called into the appointment room where I am clearly trembling, hugging my jacket. I sit down, start sobbing and am unconsciously rocking back forth slightly on my chair. I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok…..
“What brings you in today?”, the strange doctor asks me.
Now this may seem like an unfair statement, but with the original GP I saw I had done my research. She was a pharmacist prior to being a doctor and had an interest in mental health – bingo! That’s my dream doctor. I felt like I had somewhat of a connection BEFORE I even had my first appointment. But this guy… I know nothing about this guy. And he knows NOTHING about me.
I proceed to fill him in with what is happening between sobs and sniffles, while he stares at the computer screen (hopefully reading my file, but honestly who knows). He agrees to write me a new medical certificate covering this week, writes a referral letter for my chosen psychologist, and proceeds to ask me the three questions that EVERYONE that comes in with a mental health issue gets bombarded with.
“Do you hear voices?” – psychosis
“Are you feeling threatened by something, or believe something is out to get you?” – paranoia
“Do you want to harm yourself?” – suicidal ideation
My answer to all of these was no. But still I feel like this always more an exercise for the doctor trying not to sued than actually trying to elicit patient symptoms. Especially when it is preceded by the statement “I ask all my patients these questions”.
Ok, so now I have all my paperwork, we are wrapping up, I am just about to walk out the door when the doctor asks me the following:
“Have you ever tried using benzodiazepines to manage your symptoms?”
OH HELL NO!
To be clear here, I am not giving anyone general advice about benzodiazepines. If you have any questions about benzodiazepines or any other medications you should ask your doctor or your pharmacist. I just know that benzodiazepines + me = bad news.
Between my history of alcohol abuse, and my strong family history of addiction (specifically to benzos and other drugs), I don’t want benzos anywhere near me.
All I had to say was “I don’t like to take them because I have a history of substance abuse”, and the topic was instantly dropped. Granted that statement suggests anything from alcohol through to heroin, but at least it firmly shut the door on that subject.

11:45am – I walk up to the reception desk expected to hand over what is left in my bank account to pay for my walk-in appointment only for the same receptionist to look up at me and say it is all fine. I can only guess the doctor took pity on me and decided to bulk-bill me, #winning?

12:15pm – I decided to walk home since the sun is out and I am far too fidgety to wait for a bus. I managed to get home just as the rain started to come pouring down again. I was lucky. And I managed to get my 30 minutes of exercise in.

2pm – Have been curled up in bed watching YouTube since I got home, only getting up to eat half a cheesecake from the freezer. I am deep into depressive symptoms and frankly I don’t care. I am more in the dark than ever on when I am going to be able to return to placement and everything just feels… pointless.
I started doing a deep dive into Five Nights at Freddy’s (aka FNAF) game theory, and man, for a game that is on the surface simply designed to jump scare you, the story on this is DEEP. (Yeah, I know I am super late to the party, but these fan theories are insanely complex!)

6pm – Nick is home and I still haven’t moved from the bed. I tried to get him to watch some FNAF game theory with me, which he did (bless him!), but it was all going over his head without any context of what was happening. I’m very lucky to have a partner that is so supportive.

6:30pm – Nick convinces me to get out of bed and we made dinner together, a very simple veggie curry. I sit down and he gets me all the materials I need to cut up the veggies while he does the dishes. I talk to him about what happened today, articulating for the first time the events and my feelings about them. It’s helpful, and I am grateful that he got me out of bed.

7pm – Nick and I eat dinner, the curry is delicious and I am glad that we made it. At 6pm I was very willing to spend money we didn’t have to order in some takeout.

10pm? – I fell asleep watching random stuff on Youtube and became incredibly startled when Nick walked into the room. Damn you FNAF! Now I need to try and go back to sleep.
Nick walks over to the iPad and turns it off.
“No more screens”
He truly is a saint.

On Reflection

It’s disappointing to see a day that had such potential just completely fall apart. It is only with some distance on this (writing on day 7) that I can accept that the events of this day are largely due to unfortunate coincidence.

My deeply entrenched abandonment issues did me no favours here. Especially when what I really needed was continuing support in my recovery. That being said, I don’t begrudge the GP that did see me. I believe they did their best to manage a situation that they were thrown into with little to no context.

It is scary to see the depression symptoms creep their way back to this level again. I haven’t experienced them in quite some time and it is acting like a flashing, neon warning sign. Fortunately, I have my appointment with my new psychologist coming up this week.

It wasn’t until around midday on day 6 that I realised that this day is actually a classic example of what I discussed in my very first blog post – Doing the Recovery Cha-Cha, the idea that the recovery process involves ups and downs. That sometimes you will fall flat on your face sometimes, and that’s ok.

I mentioned it a lot during my breakdown of the day, but I truly do feel blessed to have my partner, Nick, to support me. He has been incredibly supportive and is accepting of everything that has been happening. I can’t imagine how I would be coping if I didn’t have him as a form of support.

Goodbye for now, and I hope to see you tomorrow for day 6 on my journey to wellness.

Coming Back From A Setback – Day 4

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Day 4 – Taking On The Outside World

7:30am – Yawn. Nick is still asleep. Cat is blissfully quiet and not demanding food the second I open my eyes. This is a good omen.

7:40am – Ok, let’s pull out the journal and get to work! There is a little bit to carry over from yesterday, so lets get started.
Today’s to do:
– Write a grocery shopping list
– Go grocery shopping
– Finish reading my current book

8:00am – Ok, Grocery list is done! Check. Now it is time to search the major supermarkets to see where I can get the best price for each my items (yes, I am THAT person!). This might take a while, I should make some coffee.

8:40am – I have succeeded in breaking up my list in my search for the best deals despite a temperamental internet connection and poorly built websites (I know people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but I am NOT a multibillion dollar supermarket chain. So, Woolworths, step up your game).

9am – Breakfast time! Peanut butter on toast (getting a little predictable aren’t I?)

9:30am – Nick is finally awake. He checked the proposed list and, wouldn’t you know it, I forgot things. Sigh. Back to the internet I go.

10:45am – Ok, time to go. Let’s make sure we have everything.
– Shopping list, check
– Shopping bags, check
– Nick and I are recently fed so we don’t impulse buy, check
– A water bottle so we don’t buy something to drink, check
– Cat is safely locked away so he doesn’t make an escape run for the front door, check
Ok, I think we are ready to go. I will just put all these things in my purse and we can leave. Oh.. Wait… Where’s my pen?

11:10am – We have reached the first of our three shops that are conveniently located in walking distance of each other. There are people everywhere – a very typical Sunday experience.
Despite the chaos happening around me, I’m actually ok. Nick, whether intentionally or not, is keeping me on task and preventing sensory overwhelm. “Ok, what’s next?”, “Onions are right here, how many do we need?”, “That’s it? Great, let’s head to the checkout”.

12:05pm – Grocery shopping is done! Woo! Feeling great now I have completed the major task of the day. It’s hard to say, since we lost one of the receipts on the way home, but I think we managed to save about $30 all up. I’m proud as punch. Now it is time to pack it all away.

1pm – Nick and I are super keen to spend some time together. Time to set up for a new favourite co-operative board game, Deep Madness! I’m also opening up the cookies we bought. Impulse buy. Sometimes a full belly isn’t enough to keep those sneaky buys at bay.

5pm – Oh. My. God. We actually beat the game! I can’t believe it! (I know this may sound a little strange, but it’s suffice to say the game is incredibly difficult and beating it is like herding cats. Nigh impossible!)

6pm – Off to do 30 minutes of exercise in the form of an evening walk with Nick. I imagine that I will be able to get some nice shots on my phone of the beach as everyone goes home for the day.

6:10pm – OH NO! It’s raining!! I want to push through it, but it just keeps pouring down. We have to turn around and come back. We did a fair bit of walking around for the grocery shopping. Can we collate that and get 30 minutes of walking for the day?

7pm – Dinner time! Leftover roast lamb and veggies.

7:15pm – Time to start my new bedtime routine, which means: no more screens, a nice soak in the bath, some journal and reading time, and sleep using relaxing sounds off my phone.

10pm – I’m up a bit later than I would generally like, but I just finished my book! I’m going to sleep feeling accomplished in all my goals for the day.

On Reflection

This day went incredibly well. Despite some of my staples being missed, like my morning meditation and physiotherapy, a lot of positive things came out of today. I’m building more confidence being back outside and feeling less overwhelmed by the dynamic nature of it. And while eating the better half of a box of cookies wasn’t the best lunch, I am willing to forgive myself.

What I am most proud of in this day is getting that sleep routine started. I had been continually resisting it for the past few days, and now that I have gotten over that first hurdle, I feel like it will be easier going forward.

Goodbye for now, and I hope to see you tomorrow for day 5 on my journey to wellness.

Coming Back From A Setback – Day 3

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Day 3 – The Good, The Bad and The Netflix

12:30am – Ugghhh… What time is it? Way to early to get up. Wait… Where is Nick? There is a faint blue light under the door, definitely still awake. Back to sleep I guess.

1am – Holy #$%*! Someone is breaking in to the bedroom! Oh… Wait.. No. It’s just Nick finally coming to bed. Sigh. Ok back to sleep.

4:30am – Scratch, scratch, scratch. Ugghhh… Sebby…. Scratch, scratch, scratch. Sebby, quit it. Scratch, scratch, scratch. Fine! I’m up! I’m feeding you. Meow!

5:00am – Ok, I’m up. I have my coffee and my journal. Let’s get started.
On the agenda today:
– Write a grocery list
– Do 30 minutes of exercise
– Implement a bedtime routine
– Finish reading my current book.
I’m trying to keep it simple so I can spend as much quality time with Nick as possible on his weekend off.

5:10am – Breakfast time! Peanut butter on toast and way too many cups of coffee.

8:00am – Bed is so inviting and warm, and for some reason I am craving pancakes. I might stay and cuddle up with Nick, just for a minute. I can get everything else done when I get up in a sec…

10:30am – “Hey, It’s time to get up. I’m making for you pancakes”. Huh? There’s pancakes? And wait… Have I been sleeping for over TWO HOURS!?

10:40am – DOUBLE BREAKFAST TIME! Pancakes with maple syrup. I love it when he cooks for me!

11am – Ugghh.. I’m so damn fidgety that I can’t even sit still let alone read a book. I wonder what’s on Netflix…

2:30pm – Lunch time! Leftover satay chicken with brown rice, super yum!

5:30pm – Well I guess my day went to watching The Good Place on Netflix. But I can still get that prescribed 30 minutes of exercise in! “Hey, Nick. Let’s walk up the hill to the supermarket and get stuff for dinner”

8pm – Dinner time! Roast lamb and veggies (yay!)

10pm – I’m so tired! Let’s just face plant into the pillow and call it a day. It isn’t perfect, but at least I’m going to sleep.

On Refection

Despite how I initially felt about this day, I can actually see persistence in some of the good habits I am trying to build. While I did spend the majority of the day lounging about trying to pacify the nervous energy with Netflix, I did still insist on making the effort to do the 30 minutes of exercise. And, I included Nick as well! Which actually made me feel more secure being outside of the apartment.

As is a bit of a running theme, sleep needs work. I still haven’t gotten a routine in place, and my overall sleep quality is poor. In order to keep from day napping I need to avoid getting back into the bed after I wake up. Day napping is a sure way to make my sleep cycle more erratic. Let’s hope for a better outcome on day 4.

Goodbye for now, and I hope to see you tomorrow for day 4 on my journey to wellness.

Coming Back From A Setback – Day 2

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Day 2 – Progress Amongst Chaos

4:30am – Woke up, pulled out my journal and started to get to work. I completed the K10 last night so there is momentum behind me (I scored a 34, no surprises here that things are elevated!)

4:45 am – Today’s goals established:
– Contact psychologists
– Go for a walk
– Do laundry

5am – Made a short-list of the short-listed psychologists to call, any more than three is overwhelming! Fingers crossed I can find someone who is available and affordable.

5:20am – Breakfast time! Peanut butter toast – yum!

5:30am – Go to do my morning meditation and the cat is on my medication cushion, perhaps he is trying to reach enlightenment?

9am – Time to start making calls off the shortened short-list. This is surprisingly nerve wracking.

9:10am – Two voicemails left and one name crossed off as the call failed to connect.

10am – Can’t stop pacing. Mind is racing. Palpitations. Tremors. ARRRRGGHH!!!

11:30am – First call back from voicemails left. Discussion went well and appointment has been made for Thursday! With that one big task done a massive weight feels like it has been taken off my shoulders.

12pm – Lunch time! Two minute noodles (yeah I know, it is not at all an ideal lunch but I am hungry and want food NOW!)

1pm – Still pacing, pacing, pacing. ARRRGH!! If I wasn’t so familiar with these physical symptoms I would think I have a heart condition. I feel way too twitchy to go outside. Need to swap out the 30 minute walk for another activity – yoga, maybe?

2pm – Ok $#%* this! I’m taking one of my when required meds to stop these palpitations. I just want to be able to sit and read, or do something that ISN’T walking up and down the apartment.

2:10pm – Sigh, I can finally sit still and also not have the sensation that my heart is pounding out of my chest. It feels good. Is this what normal feels like?

4:30pm – Time to get in that yoga before Nick comes home from work. Hopefully the stretching and breath awareness will be calming too.

6pm – Nick is home and, as usual lately, I have not gotten dinner ready. Despite the fact he has absolutely no expectation that dinner will be ready (or that I should be making it at all!), I still feel guilty for not having it done. Gender stereotypes much?

7pm – Dinner time! Satay chicken with green beans and brown rice. Drool.

8pm – It’s one hour till my usual bedtime and I am sitting up with Nick playing Borderlands 2. Not quite what the GP had in mind for an ideal sleep routine.

10pm – Finally going to sleep after watching Netflix in bed. Yeah, definitely not what the GP had in mind in terms of a sleep routine.

On Reflection

There is a lot about this day that went well amongst the chaos that was happening in my mind. I achieved my major goal for the day, finding a new psychologist and making an appointment. And despite not going outside to exercise, I DID do 30 minutes of yoga as a substitute instead of just dismissing exercise completely.

Where I am clearly struggling is with my sleep routine. Perhaps if I try using a phone reminder or another trigger to remind me to step away from the screens and get ready for bed I might have better results on day 3? It’s worth giving a try.

Goodbye for now, and I hope to see you tomorrow for day 3 on my journey to wellness.

Coming Back From A Setback – Day 1

Hello everyone!

I wanted to try something a little different after my recent post on Tumblr where I discussed my realisation that I am not “ok” on world mental health day. Long story short I had a very intense, very public breakdown during a university placement when I realised that my PTSD was not as well controlled as I wanted to believe.

I have now put university and other commitments on hold while I focus on getting better, and I wanted to share that journey with you in the form of short daily posts. It is my hope that tracking my progress will assist in my recovery, and help people who may be going through something similar.

So without further ado, let’s start day one.

Day 1 – New Beginnings

Coming back after a breakdown is exhausting, and I was certainly feeling that.

I didn’t get out of bed till 10:45am, a far cry from my usual 5am wake up time, and I only had an hour until I need to leave for my appointment with a new GP. While I managed to get out the door on time, I certainly felt rushed and it wasn’t helping my already agitated state.

The hardest part of going to see the doctor was simply being outside. Not in the depressed way that you don’t want to get out of bed and everything is effort. But the hyper anxious, overstimulated kind of way.

Living in a city, there is activity everywhere. A constant flow of traffic, delivery bikes, hundreds of people walking around, and that’s just the visuals. Throw in the sound of car horns, sudden breaking, construction, people talking, loud music and it all just becomes a stimulatory mess. My hyper alert brain just couldn’t take it – “How can I possibly keep track of all of these potential threats?”

Hypervigilance wasn’t the only big symptom of the day, palpitations and tremors where an ongoing issue. Filling in the new patient form was a little tricky at the doctor’s office with the tremors. I regularly shake out my hand to try and somehow resolve tremors. Not that it really works, but it just feels better than doing nothing.

Once I was called in to see the doctor I started to feel a little bit of relief. I have always been a big believer that having a plan and knowing what is coming makes life easier to deal with, and my new GP was fantastic in laying out the ground work.

For now we are focusing on getting supports in place and on lifestyle changes to aid in my recovery. My tasks in the lead up to my Monday follow up include:

1. Contact the psychologists I already had short listed as people I might want to work with

The Blue Knot Foundation are a wonderful Australian organisation that specialise in working with adult survivors of childhood trauma. I used their call back service in order to get a short list of therapists with my list of needs earlier this month. Their website also has some other useful resources. I highly recommend checking them out.

2. Fill out the K10 given to me by the GP

The K10 is a diagnostic tool used to assess the level of distress a patient is in based on their responses to brief questionnaire. An interactive version of the questionnaire can be found here.

3. Drink water regularly and eat well

While my water drinking habits have been particularly good lately, my diet has been absolutely terrible. Since I like to cook, I am actually looking forward to preparing nice meals for myself.

4. Exercise for 30 minutes each day

This is going to be a challenge for me. I am notoriously bad at exercising, but hopefully knowing I have to face my GP again in four days keeps me accountable.

5. Establish a sleep routine

My sleep quality has been poor due to nightmares and general insomnia. To improve sleep there are a couple of things that are going to be put in place including:
– Taking a hot bath/shower before bedtime
– Doing some kind of mindfulness activity
– No screens two hours before bedtime (which will be super hard as I had been using screens to sort of “drown out” my thoughts at night)

So with my plan in place I left the overstimulating outside world and went back to the apartment where I rode out the rest of the day. I have every intention of taking on the above challenges in day 2.

I look forward to seeing you all next time as I continue to share my journey back to wellness. Take care!

#Gratitude

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Have you ever sat down, reflected on your life and felt gratitude for all the horrible things that life has thrown at you?

Prior to this week, my answer would have been an unequivocal no, with a facial expression that suggested you are slightly mad for asking. I had never felt gratitude for the struggles I have gone through in my brief 28 years. However, when I was listening to a podcast last Thursday a switch in my brain suddenly flipped.

During the podcast, the host mentioned a woman who attended one of his recent comedy shows. The woman mentioned that just days before the show she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Upon hearing this, the host assumed this woman would be feeling a number of different emotions: denial, fear, anger, depression. But not gratitude.

So naturally, it came as a surprise to everyone when she said that in spite of feeling of these other expected emotions that come with something as devastating and life changing as a cancer diagnosis, she was grateful for having this challenge laid out in front of her. Then it hit me.

“Holy $#*%! I actually have a lot to be grateful for related to my past trauma”

I know you might think it sounds ridiculous, but bear with me as I break it all down. Here are the reasons why I am grateful for my trauma history.

I can see situations from different perspectives

Prior to some of my past experiences it was hard for me to understand how certain things can occur, or why people behave in certain ways in different situations. With my life experiences, I can now see how someone can find themselves in a dangerous situation, how a person can respond to violence as it is happening to them, and the aftermath of that.

My ability to see things from different perspectives also feeds into the next thing I am grateful for.

I am able to have compassion for people who are too often looked down on

Through what I have experienced and witnessed, I have compassion for those in society that others may not. We are all a collection of our cumulative life experiences.

I now know that I am stronger than the sum of my parts

You never know how resilient you are until that resilience is tested. And by God, has my resilience been tested.
Despite all the odds, not only am I functioning but I am achieving things that I never thought I could.

Would I go through all the trauma again to gain these insights? Probably not. Nor would I recommend it as a way to gain insight. However, it feels good to know I came out the other side with something greater than what was thrown at me. And that feeling is truly something to be grateful for.

Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong

An Open Letter To Trauma Survivors

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You may have seen recently that a man named Brett Kavanaugh, judge and Supreme Court nominee, has been in the news a lot after a former class mate, Dr Christine Ford, came forward about an event that happened 36 years ago. You may have heard her heart-breaking, and potentially triggering, testimony of what happened to her that night back in 1982. I listened to her testimony and wept.

I cried for the experience she had that night. I cried for the suffering she had to go through. And, I cried for the indignity she suffered by the hands of the senators who questioned her.

If I only I knew that wasn’t going to be the worst part.

Earlier today, President Donald Trump openly mocked the testimony of Dr Ford at a rally in Mississippi. He actively tried to poke holes in her story and made fun of her memory gaps. I was floored.

“This is exactly why I never reported my rape. No one would ever believe me”, the little voice inside me said. I wish I could have argued with her, but sadly she is right. When I did disclose my story to people that were close to me, some people did actively try to poke holes in my story and questioned my overall actions that night.

“Why didn’t you run?”
“Why didn’t you fight back?”
“Why didn’t you call for help?”
None of these questions are helpful, and all of them are designed to undermine you.

Also, I did call for help. The memory of the phone repeatedly dialling out still makes my stomach turn.

It wasn’t long before that little voice was washed away by a wave of anger that continues to seep through me. “We live in a world where sexual violence against women is treated like a choice!”, the new voice screamed.

Opinion on victims of rape can be perfectly summed up by the following scene from Law and Order SVU.
Detective Carisi: Rape advocate. I don’t even get what that is. I mean there’s no burglary advocate, there’s no carjacking advocates.
Detective Rollins: Okay, but when was the last time they asked a carjacking victim, “Are you sure you didn’t want your car to get stolen?”

I imagine other people with a history of sexual violence are feeling much like I am right now. Angry. Sad. Defeated. Confused that after the massive uptake of the MeToo movement that we are still right where we left off. I just want you all to know that you are not alone. Your experience is valid, and YOU DO MATTER! This is true no matter what kind of trauma history you have, whether it is related to sexual assault or not. The worst thing a person can do is deny what you know to be true. Refuse to let people dictate your life experience and make you doubt yourself.

If you feel that you are not ok at the moment, whether it is this story or something totally different, I really want you to talk to somebody. It can be a professional, like a counsellor or a psychologist, a family member or a friend. Even me, at growingstrong.blog@gmail.com (full disclosure: I am not counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist or any other mental healthcare professional). If you are in crisis, please call Lifeline (Australia) 13 11 14.

It’s times like these when we need to come together as a community and support each other. Pop culture and the media have never been friendly towards victims of sexual violence or people with mental health issues, so it is up to us to come together and be our own support network. This network should include all of us, not just victims but our allies too. Be it our family and friends, work colleagues, or even total strangers who share our beliefs that we shouldn’t be shamed or dismissed.

In a world that is becoming increasingly divided and hostile, choose to support and nurture each other.

Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong!

To drink or not to drink? The Complexities of CPTSD and Alcohol Abuse

You never realise how much socialising in your 20s revolves around alcohol until one day you decide that you need to quit drinking. Or at least that’s what happened to me.

My early 20s was a complicated time, but it wasn’t until 2014 that my love-hate relationship with alcohol really came to a head. When I wasn’t working, I was drinking. And when I was drinking, I was drinking A LOT! The whole “moderation” thing was just not there. With me it was all or nothing.

My relationship with alcohol could best be described by the tag line for Pringles™ – once you pop you can’t stop. And – surprise, surprise – this ended up causing a number of problems. Little did I know just how far spread these issues would go, ranging from issues with relationships to the workplace and also my overall health.

I would show up to work, barely functional due to hangovers. On countless occasions I made a fool out of myself – including the infamous night I threw up all over the food table at a 21^st. I would forget important events – or even BEING AT important events! And there were also the frightening times where I was assaulted on no less than four separate occasions. Why do I say no less? Because when you are black-out drunk that is exactly what you do – black-out.

If I were to be perfectly honest about why I would drink, it would be simple – I was trying to reach oblivion. Ah yes, oblivion – the perfect vacation destination for those who are majorly depressed or running from the past. The place where everything ends, there is no more pain and the suffering finally ends. Problem is though once you reach oblivion there is no way to come back – because the only way to reach oblivion is the grave.

So, what changed? Was there some cataclysmic event that caused me to give up booze? Had my years of sin caused me to repent and find Jesus? The answer is actually no to both of those – but I continue to hear Jesus is a great guy and I should go look him up. In the end what made me choose to stop drinking was deciding that oblivion is no longer my ideal vacation destination. And since, on reflection, alcohol had brought me nothing but misery, it had to go.

Anyone who has been in a situation where they have given up alcohol, or simply chosen not to drink, rapidly becomes aware of how ingrained drinking is in Australian culture. We use alcohol to celebrate, to mourn, when we’re happy and sad. Pick any occasion and it is highly likely alcohol will be immediately associated with it. For people avoiding alcohol, this is a unique challenge to navigate.

I have turned down every social function for my workplace and my university course because I know I would have open, unrestricted access to alcohol. There are people who have taken offence to this. I have been labelled a “non-participator” or outright “anti-social”. Even on explanation of my situation I have experienced blank stares and the frustrating comment “Just don’t drink”. Is it worth the possibility of me becoming black-out drunk again? I don’t think so.

How is my relationship with alcohol now? To borrow from Facebook – it’s complicated. I still drink, but much less frequently in tightly controlled situations. I continue to struggle with binging when I DO decide to drink – HELLO my recent engagement party! I like to think I have control, but every time I reflect on it I know it isn’t true.

My name is Danielle, and I’m an alcoholic.

Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong!