Being Ok With Not Being Ok

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Regular readers will know that earlier this month I experienced a breakdown. While initially this was a far from an ideal experience, it has helped it me further accept those moments when we aren’t coping well and need that additional support. In short, it allowed me to be ok with not being ok.

What is being ok with not being ok?

In its simplest form, being ok with not being ok, is accepting where your mental state is at in a way that is also kind to yourself.

No more fighting yourself on how you are really feeling. No more half-heartedly telling yourself that you’re “ok” when you know it isn’t true. No more beating yourself up and screaming “why can’t I just be normal!”, while choking on tears. No more forcing yourself to try and being something that you simply aren’t at this moment.

I have done all of those things – more than once! And none of them have been helpful in aiding recovery. In fact, they have hindered recovery! Delaying the time taken to get the support I needed to process what I was going through.

Discovering if you’re not ok

The first step in this journey, like most in life, is possibly the hardest. It’s time to do some self reflection, ask some hard questions and give honest answers.
Are you really OK?
What HAS your mood been like?
What is happening in your life at the moment?
Is there additional stress in your life right now?
Has there been any major changes?
How are you going at work/school/home?
Has there been a notable difference in your behaviour?

These are just a handful of questions to start with, but you will begin to see a picture start to form. No one knows you are better than yourself, and if you are connected with yourself you will be able to see pretty quickly if something isn’t right.

How to be ok with not being ok

So you have done some self reflection and realised that aren’t feeling ok at the moment, now what?

Now, it’s time to accept what you are feeling without trying to fight it or immediately try and change it by forcing the emotions away. That is not to say that you should wallow in self pity or start an internal narrative that you are not ok, therefore, you will never be ok. It’s about accepting the situation that you are in right now so you can take meaningful steps forward.

Acceptance does not come easy. It has taken me years to truly accept certain aspects of my mental health. But once we acknowledge and accept that we are not ok, it makes those next steps of getting help easier.

What happens next?

Now that you have done some self reflection, and realised you’re not currently ok it’s time to reach out. No one expects you to go through this alone!

There are a variety of different services available and places to go. These include, but are not limited to, the following:
– Your family doctor, or general practitioner (GP)
– A local counsellor or psychologist (keeping in mind most will specialise in specific areas)
– Also, don’t forget free hotlines and online counselling services provided by organisations such as Lifeline and Beyond Blue.

This is just a snippet of the resources and support out there that is available. There are even organisations that strictly deal in niche areas like domestic violence and sexual assault (1800RESPECT), childhood trauma (The Blue Knot Foundation), under 25’s (ReachOut) and even gender (MensLine Australia). The options out there are seemingly endless!

Please note, that while all the above examples are Australian, a quick google search will likely pull up a pile of resources that are available to you wherever you are situated.

Hopefully, with all these tools in your belt you will be more in tune with whether or not you are ok and be able to face it head on. The benefits of going through the process are far greater than the discomfort in starting. We both know, you deserve it.

Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong!

#Gratitude

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Have you ever sat down, reflected on your life and felt gratitude for all the horrible things that life has thrown at you?

Prior to this week, my answer would have been an unequivocal no, with a facial expression that suggested you are slightly mad for asking. I had never felt gratitude for the struggles I have gone through in my brief 28 years. However, when I was listening to a podcast last Thursday a switch in my brain suddenly flipped.

During the podcast, the host mentioned a woman who attended one of his recent comedy shows. The woman mentioned that just days before the show she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Upon hearing this, the host assumed this woman would be feeling a number of different emotions: denial, fear, anger, depression. But not gratitude.

So naturally, it came as a surprise to everyone when she said that in spite of feeling of these other expected emotions that come with something as devastating and life changing as a cancer diagnosis, she was grateful for having this challenge laid out in front of her. Then it hit me.

“Holy $#*%! I actually have a lot to be grateful for related to my past trauma”

I know you might think it sounds ridiculous, but bear with me as I break it all down. Here are the reasons why I am grateful for my trauma history.

I can see situations from different perspectives

Prior to some of my past experiences it was hard for me to understand how certain things can occur, or why people behave in certain ways in different situations. With my life experiences, I can now see how someone can find themselves in a dangerous situation, how a person can respond to violence as it is happening to them, and the aftermath of that.

My ability to see things from different perspectives also feeds into the next thing I am grateful for.

I am able to have compassion for people who are too often looked down on

Through what I have experienced and witnessed, I have compassion for those in society that others may not. We are all a collection of our cumulative life experiences.

I now know that I am stronger than the sum of my parts

You never know how resilient you are until that resilience is tested. And by God, has my resilience been tested.
Despite all the odds, not only am I functioning but I am achieving things that I never thought I could.

Would I go through all the trauma again to gain these insights? Probably not. Nor would I recommend it as a way to gain insight. However, it feels good to know I came out the other side with something greater than what was thrown at me. And that feeling is truly something to be grateful for.

Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong

An Open Letter To Trauma Survivors

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You may have seen recently that a man named Brett Kavanaugh, judge and Supreme Court nominee, has been in the news a lot after a former class mate, Dr Christine Ford, came forward about an event that happened 36 years ago. You may have heard her heart-breaking, and potentially triggering, testimony of what happened to her that night back in 1982. I listened to her testimony and wept.

I cried for the experience she had that night. I cried for the suffering she had to go through. And, I cried for the indignity she suffered by the hands of the senators who questioned her.

If I only I knew that wasn’t going to be the worst part.

Earlier today, President Donald Trump openly mocked the testimony of Dr Ford at a rally in Mississippi. He actively tried to poke holes in her story and made fun of her memory gaps. I was floored.

“This is exactly why I never reported my rape. No one would ever believe me”, the little voice inside me said. I wish I could have argued with her, but sadly she is right. When I did disclose my story to people that were close to me, some people did actively try to poke holes in my story and questioned my overall actions that night.

“Why didn’t you run?”
“Why didn’t you fight back?”
“Why didn’t you call for help?”
None of these questions are helpful, and all of them are designed to undermine you.

Also, I did call for help. The memory of the phone repeatedly dialling out still makes my stomach turn.

It wasn’t long before that little voice was washed away by a wave of anger that continues to seep through me. “We live in a world where sexual violence against women is treated like a choice!”, the new voice screamed.

Opinion on victims of rape can be perfectly summed up by the following scene from Law and Order SVU.
Detective Carisi: Rape advocate. I don’t even get what that is. I mean there’s no burglary advocate, there’s no carjacking advocates.
Detective Rollins: Okay, but when was the last time they asked a carjacking victim, “Are you sure you didn’t want your car to get stolen?”

I imagine other people with a history of sexual violence are feeling much like I am right now. Angry. Sad. Defeated. Confused that after the massive uptake of the MeToo movement that we are still right where we left off. I just want you all to know that you are not alone. Your experience is valid, and YOU DO MATTER! This is true no matter what kind of trauma history you have, whether it is related to sexual assault or not. The worst thing a person can do is deny what you know to be true. Refuse to let people dictate your life experience and make you doubt yourself.

If you feel that you are not ok at the moment, whether it is this story or something totally different, I really want you to talk to somebody. It can be a professional, like a counsellor or a psychologist, a family member or a friend. Even me, at growingstrong.blog@gmail.com (full disclosure: I am not counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist or any other mental healthcare professional). If you are in crisis, please call Lifeline (Australia) 13 11 14.

It’s times like these when we need to come together as a community and support each other. Pop culture and the media have never been friendly towards victims of sexual violence or people with mental health issues, so it is up to us to come together and be our own support network. This network should include all of us, not just victims but our allies too. Be it our family and friends, work colleagues, or even total strangers who share our beliefs that we shouldn’t be shamed or dismissed.

In a world that is becoming increasingly divided and hostile, choose to support and nurture each other.

Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong!

Hitting the Reset Button

Modern life tends to keep us very busy. So busy in fact that we forget to deal with the little things that sometimes fall through the cracks. Little things like the housekeeping, sorting out our mail, calling your mum – and even your self-care!

These tiny things also tend to build and cause problems down the track. You step out of the shower and find out you have no clean underwear (dammit!). The electricity bill never got paid because it is still sitting in the mailbox (#$%*!). Your mum calls you upset because she thinks you don’t love her anymore (sob). And now you’re feeling burnt out, overwhelmed and unable to cope.

Everyday stress is already hard enough to manage when you DON’T have an elevated baseline! So, how can we manage our lives and keep those stress levels in check? My ideal way to get on top of everything and back on track is the reset day.

What’s a Reset Day?
A reset day is one day out of your week that you put aside purely to restore a sense of order in your life by catching up on all those little things and putting some solid work into your self-care.

Well that sound’s great Danielle, but I don’t have a WHOLE DAY to spend on this stuff. I have a job/family/commitment that takes up all my time! Besides, a whole day JUST FOR ME that has to be selfish, right?

I’m hearing what you’re saying, but consider this – while you might think the act of setting aside time to take care of yourself is selfish, isn’t it in the best interest of your family/work/etc that you are at your best? When we are doing well, it shows, and it benefits the people around us. Just ask them! I’m sure they will agree.

Furthermore, while I call it a reset DAY, you can easily tailor it to meet your needs. Whether it be a reset hour, half-day, day or entire week! What you do and how you do it is entirely up to you. The core of the reset day is about bringing things back to a set baseline of order, whatever that might be for you.

What does a reset day look like?
Each person’s reset day varies and reflects where you are at currently. At the moment my typical reset day involves:
– A general clean and tidy of the apartment
– Catching up on any tasks that fell by the wayside
– Taking some valuable me-time where I can mentally refresh
– And where possible, prepare for the upcoming week

While a dedicated reset day can be set to any day in your week, I prefer Sundays as I know I have an opening in my schedule to accommodate it.

What are the benefits?
By incorporating a reset day into my life, I have been able to reduce my overall stress throughout the week, while I notice how chaotic life feels if I go without it. I start my Monday’s feeling refreshed, recharged and prepared for the week.

Give yourself permission to have a reset day. You won’t regret it.

Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong!

Dealing with Overwhelm

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Overwhelm is easily the single biggest reason why my path down the road to recovery ends up on temporary hiatus. When we become overwhelmed by everything that is happening around us, our ability to think logically is just gone.

A recent example of overwhelm for me occurred just recently – I missed a deadline. Sounds silly doesn’t it? But that simple act of dropping that tiny ball that was up in the air with countless other balls triggered it all. All of a sudden, I felt like the sky was falling. It’s all coming crashing down. Quick! Brace for emergency landing! We’re going down!!!

So naturally, after I recognised that feeling of overwhelm rising up I went immediately to someone who could help me get some perspective and set out a plan of attack…. Nah! OF COURSE NOT! I actually paced up and down the hallway, went in the foetal position and cried for 20 minutes. Which brings me to my first point:

We don’t act rationally when our emotions are running high

When the fight or flight response is triggered in our brains, our higher order functions switch off. This means our ability to think rationally about what is going on is gone. So, what do you do? This is where grounding exercisescomes into play. Put simply, grounding involves using a number of different techniques to bring us back into the here and now, while also reminding us we are SAFE in the space we are in. I will be doing a full post on grounding exercises in the future, but for now you can find a step-by-step guide on how to do the Five Senses Exercise at the bottom of this post.

Ok, so I have reached a point where I am a bit calmer. The ability to think objectively is starting to come back. What do I do now?

Talk it out and develop a plan

When I managed to get a little bit more rational, the first thing I did was pick up the phone and call someone who was independent from the situation and could give me some solid advice. For me, it was my psychologist. However, this person can be anyone that you feel comfortable letting it all out to and can help you develop a plan of attack to deal with your mini crisis.

Don’t want to talk? That’s ok too! Try writing it all out. Sometimes seeing everything laid out in black and white can be enough to gather ideas and get yourself back on track.

And finally…

Don’t force yourself to be OK right away

When we have these intense moments of overwhelm it is nothing short of exhausting. That surge of adrenaline and the drop off as you become calm again makes you feel like you have run a marathon. You feel physically and emotionally drained and that’s TOTALLY NORMAL!

Do some self-care knowing that you have a plan in place to take care of the situation when you are ready. Self-care means different things to different people and can involve doing something for your physical health, like going for a run, or something for your mental health, like writing in a journal. Self-care can even involve spirituality, such as prayer or meditation. The important thing to remember about self-care is that it is something that improves your overall wellbeing and makes YOU feel good. For me, this meant a long soak in the tub and doing some reading before coming back to deal with the missed deadline.

When we are in the middle of overwhelm it can be very hard, if not impossible, to see the way out. Hopefully with these three points up your sleeve, you can light your way out of the overwhelm fog.

Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong!

Five Senses Exercise

Take a moment in this time and place to connect with your five senses and surroundings.
List FIVE different things you can SEE
List FOUR different things you can TOUCH
List THREE different things you can HEAR
List TWO different things you can SMELL
List ONE thing you can TASTE

Doing this exercise grounds you in the here and now and sends the message to remind the brain that you’re OK. For the best results, practice this exercise regularly to reduce anxiety and dial back your emotional response.

To drink or not to drink? The Complexities of CPTSD and Alcohol Abuse

You never realise how much socialising in your 20s revolves around alcohol until one day you decide that you need to quit drinking. Or at least that’s what happened to me.

My early 20s was a complicated time, but it wasn’t until 2014 that my love-hate relationship with alcohol really came to a head. When I wasn’t working, I was drinking. And when I was drinking, I was drinking A LOT! The whole “moderation” thing was just not there. With me it was all or nothing.

My relationship with alcohol could best be described by the tag line for Pringles™ – once you pop you can’t stop. And – surprise, surprise – this ended up causing a number of problems. Little did I know just how far spread these issues would go, ranging from issues with relationships to the workplace and also my overall health.

I would show up to work, barely functional due to hangovers. On countless occasions I made a fool out of myself – including the infamous night I threw up all over the food table at a 21^st. I would forget important events – or even BEING AT important events! And there were also the frightening times where I was assaulted on no less than four separate occasions. Why do I say no less? Because when you are black-out drunk that is exactly what you do – black-out.

If I were to be perfectly honest about why I would drink, it would be simple – I was trying to reach oblivion. Ah yes, oblivion – the perfect vacation destination for those who are majorly depressed or running from the past. The place where everything ends, there is no more pain and the suffering finally ends. Problem is though once you reach oblivion there is no way to come back – because the only way to reach oblivion is the grave.

So, what changed? Was there some cataclysmic event that caused me to give up booze? Had my years of sin caused me to repent and find Jesus? The answer is actually no to both of those – but I continue to hear Jesus is a great guy and I should go look him up. In the end what made me choose to stop drinking was deciding that oblivion is no longer my ideal vacation destination. And since, on reflection, alcohol had brought me nothing but misery, it had to go.

Anyone who has been in a situation where they have given up alcohol, or simply chosen not to drink, rapidly becomes aware of how ingrained drinking is in Australian culture. We use alcohol to celebrate, to mourn, when we’re happy and sad. Pick any occasion and it is highly likely alcohol will be immediately associated with it. For people avoiding alcohol, this is a unique challenge to navigate.

I have turned down every social function for my workplace and my university course because I know I would have open, unrestricted access to alcohol. There are people who have taken offence to this. I have been labelled a “non-participator” or outright “anti-social”. Even on explanation of my situation I have experienced blank stares and the frustrating comment “Just don’t drink”. Is it worth the possibility of me becoming black-out drunk again? I don’t think so.

How is my relationship with alcohol now? To borrow from Facebook – it’s complicated. I still drink, but much less frequently in tightly controlled situations. I continue to struggle with binging when I DO decide to drink – HELLO my recent engagement party! I like to think I have control, but every time I reflect on it I know it isn’t true.

My name is Danielle, and I’m an alcoholic.

Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong!

Doing the Recovery Cha-Cha

You know those days (or even weeks) where things are going really well? You’re doing your mindfulness exercises, making good food choices, working out and getting the right amount of sleep. You’re practically one of those annoying insta-model wellness gurus with how seemingly “together” your life is. And then it all comes crashing down….

Welcome to the recovery cha-cha! Where everything feels like it is going smoothly and then suddenly you’re on your ass wondering what happened.

The concept of the recovery cha-cha is simple: you are making great active steps forward to aid in your recovery…. and then (oops!) end up taking a giant fall backwards into a ditch. Not only is this completely normal, it is also incredibly common.

In the end this may feel like a net loss of progress, or that you are simply in the same place you were before you started. But in actual fact, you have made a tonne of progress!

“How have I made progress?”, you may ask yourself as you look around and find that everything still seems the way it was before. I know I sure did! Here’s how:

1. You actually took the steps to make the changes in the first place

This is huge! Especially when it is your first time giving these things a go and you feel like you have nothing but faith to get started. Making these changes are hard enough for people who are free of the challenges faced by people with mental health disorders – so give yourself a big pat on the back! You deserve it.

2. Change begets change

By taking those hard steps the first time around you are actually in a much better position the next time. Creating new behaviours and habits requires repetition, and the more we engage in it, the easier it becomes.

And if you still manage to fall back into the ditch, that’s ok too! It just means you’re even better equipped the next time. I have personally fallen in the ditch more times than I can count, and (while challenging at times) continue to pick myself back up.

3. You learnt something

Every time we fall down it’s a learning experience, even though in the moment it may not be visible.

Once the emotional response goes down and rational thinking returns, sit back and reflect. Ask yourself what triggered the relapse, make plans and strategies around your triggers and how to manage them if you were to be confronted by them again.

Hopefully now you can see that while the recovery cha-cha certainly is challenging at times, it’s worth the time to do the dance.

Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm and grow strong!