Regular readers will know that earlier this month I experienced a breakdown. While initially this was a far from an ideal experience, it has helped it me further accept those moments when we aren’t coping well and need that additional support. In short, it allowed me to be ok with not being ok.
What is being ok with not being ok?
In its simplest form, being ok with not being ok, is accepting where your mental state is at in a way that is also kind to yourself.
No more fighting yourself on how you are really feeling. No more half-heartedly telling yourself that you’re “ok” when you know it isn’t true. No more beating yourself up and screaming “why can’t I just be normal!”, while choking on tears. No more forcing yourself to try and being something that you simply aren’t at this moment.
I have done all of those things – more than once! And none of them have been helpful in aiding recovery. In fact, they have hindered recovery! Delaying the time taken to get the support I needed to process what I was going through.
Discovering if you’re not ok
The first step in this journey, like most in life, is possibly the hardest. It’s time to do some self reflection, ask some hard questions and give honest answers.
Are you really OK?
What HAS your mood been like?
What is happening in your life at the moment?
Is there additional stress in your life right now?
Has there been any major changes?
How are you going at work/school/home?
Has there been a notable difference in your behaviour?
These are just a handful of questions to start with, but you will begin to see a picture start to form. No one knows you are better than yourself, and if you are connected with yourself you will be able to see pretty quickly if something isn’t right.
How to be ok with not being ok
So you have done some self reflection and realised that aren’t feeling ok at the moment, now what?
Now, it’s time to accept what you are feeling without trying to fight it or immediately try and change it by forcing the emotions away. That is not to say that you should wallow in self pity or start an internal narrative that you are not ok, therefore, you will never be ok. It’s about accepting the situation that you are in right now so you can take meaningful steps forward.
Acceptance does not come easy. It has taken me years to truly accept certain aspects of my mental health. But once we acknowledge and accept that we are not ok, it makes those next steps of getting help easier.
What happens next?
Now that you have done some self reflection, and realised you’re not currently ok it’s time to reach out. No one expects you to go through this alone!
There are a variety of different services available and places to go. These include, but are not limited to, the following:
– Your family doctor, or general practitioner (GP)
– A local counsellor or psychologist (keeping in mind most will specialise in specific areas)
– Also, don’t forget free hotlines and online counselling services provided by organisations such as Lifeline and Beyond Blue.
This is just a snippet of the resources and support out there that is available. There are even organisations that strictly deal in niche areas like domestic violence and sexual assault (1800RESPECT), childhood trauma (The Blue Knot Foundation), under 25’s (ReachOut) and even gender (MensLine Australia). The options out there are seemingly endless!
Please note, that while all the above examples are Australian, a quick google search will likely pull up a pile of resources that are available to you wherever you are situated.
Hopefully, with all these tools in your belt you will be more in tune with whether or not you are ok and be able to face it head on. The benefits of going through the process are far greater than the discomfort in starting. We both know, you deserve it.
Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong!
Regular readers of the Coming Back From A Setback series might be wondering where I have gone for about the past week.
Well, I have great news!
The major reason for my absence is that I have been doing a lot of planning and preparation for my return to university placement (I’m back baby!). Unfortunately, this has also meant that I have been lacking in time and the creative mindset to produce valuable work that I consider to be worth publishing.
When I originally took on the idea of writing daily blog posts to track my recovery I was fully prepared for some challenges, but I wasn’t expecting that they would cause content to end as abruptly as it did! It seems that at this stage in my creative process I simply can’t keep with daily blog posts.
Since I am returning to my university placement, I will be once again putting out quality weekly content discussing all things complex trauma and daily living.
Thank you all so much for joining me on this journey, and I hope that you were able to get as much out of it as I did.
I hope to see you all this Sunday for a brand new blog post!
7:30am – Beep, beep, beep.
It’s time for Nick to get up and go to work, but instead of getting up he cuddles up even closer.
“Would you like me to stay home with you today?” he said.
I know Nick was being genuine, it’s in his nature to be caring. But I can’t help but find it amusing that he might be using my downturn as an excuse to get out of work.
I smile, “No. Besides, I’m feeling better today”. And I actually mean it.
“Also, your the only one of us that has a job”
Sad, but mostly true. While I still have two shifts left at my current job, I put in my letter of resignation about a week ago.
I promptly roll over and go back to sleep while Nick drags himself begrudgingly out of bed.
8am – I wake up to see Nick fully dressed for work and offering me a cup of freshly made coffee. I am over the moon. Perhaps I should’ve let him stay home.
8:10am – Hot coffee in one hand and journal in the other, it is time plan another day. I started to build some momentum last night and I intend to keep it going.
Today’s To Dos
– Complete paperwork for my psychologist appointment
– Blogging (I am falling far behind – gulp!)
– Get in touch with the uni about my current status (Technically, this should have been done on Monday aka Day 5. But we all know how that day went don’t we, dear readers)
– Cooking (this is entirely optional, but I hope I can get to it)
9am – Might as well get the paperwork out of the way, seems easy enough. Download some documents, send off some emails. Easy peasy.
9:30am – While the laptop is out, only makes sense to get blogging. I have missed this process of going through my day and analysing it. No matter how crappy the day there is always something I can take from it.
10:30am – It’s breakfast time and, to make things even better, I am doing it in bulk! Bacon and egg muffins, eat one and freeze five. Now we will once again have ready-made breakfast to heat and eat on rushed days. Win-win.
10:45am – %$#&! My finger! Owie, owie, owie, owie…. Sigh…
Note to self, don’t put fingers on hotplate that is clearly on. Sounds simple enough, but clearly I need to revisit this little life lesson.
11am – Breakfast, done. Leftover breakfast muffins wrapped and in the freezer. Time to start making some banana and oat muffins. I’m on a roll!
12:30pm – I finish making muffins and then the Youtube app just.. dies? Is the internet out again? I guess I will just reset the modem – AGAIN!
1pm – Oh my God! Youtube is ACTUALLY down! How does that even happen?
Holy $#%*! It’s worldwide!
People must be freaking out.
Wait.. What’s going to stop me from going insane doing the dishes!? While cooking is my happy place, cleaning dishes may certainly be my personal hell.
1:30pm – Turns out there was something else that I used to listened to while doing chores before Youtube consumed my life – podcasts! And thankfully due to my benign neglect, I have racked up quite a few to listen to.
Throw me that apron while I snap on these gloves, I have dishes to clean!
4pm – Just checked my emails and turns out I need to chase my former doctor for one of the documents I need for my appointment tomorrow. Sigh.
Surely it will just be a simple phone call and I will be done chasing pieces of paper.
4:15pm – Turns out nothing is simple when it comes privacy law. The young receptionist had to put me on hold and check if I can indeed request the documents I need. Apparently the answer is no.
So now I need to tell my psychologist that they need to ask for the documents directly. Sigh. I have already spoken to three different people about getting my mental health care plan sent to my new psychologist.
I feel like a ball in a pinball machine.
4:20pm – Next on my round of baking, chocolate chip cookies! The recipe went so well last time, I am keen to give it another go
4:40pm – Ok, so something went wrong with the cookies. I mean… their not inedible, but these are some damn ugly looking cookies.
I have no idea what happened… Perhaps a missed ingredient? I’m at a loss on this one.
I know Nick will still eat them regardless, so I guess I will just pass it off as one of life’s mysteries.
4:45pm – It’s not on the list of today’s to dos, but Youtube has inspired me to audit my pantry. We have a crazy amount of food in this apartment after we merged our belongings and I have no idea what exactly we have anymore.
6pm – Nick is home and, as predicted, he doesn’t care in the slightest that the cookies look misshapen and are crumbly. We both filled up on cookies, and now I think those veggie burritos I was planning for dinner are off the cards.
6:15pm – What feels like an eternity later, I finished listing every single thing in our pantry. It’s a two page document with items grouped together in tables. I’m feeling pretty proud.
7pm – Based on the new pantry list, I worked out that we need buy less than 10 things at the supermarket for a full week of meals. How awesome is that!?
8pm – I decided that I should have something more substantial for dinner despite not really feeling hungry after stuffing my face with cookies.
Time to boil up some brown rice, and cut up some veggies for salsa.
8:20pm – I no longer have the patience for this. The tiredness has set in and I just want to walk away from this entire meal.
“You need to eat something” said Nick, “Pull out one of the leftover frozen dinners and reheat it. We can use what you have done for tomorrow night.”
“Fiiiiinnnne”, I’m in no mood to fight him on this, “but I’m having the last of the beef and potato curry”.
9pm – With dinner finished I am actually feeling little more energetic, which is problematic because I should be going to sleep now. I pull out my latest book to read and start getting into it. Better than looking at screens surely.
10pm – Despite feeling tired, I don’t want to put this book down. The author has caught me in their literary web. Must. Keep. Reading.
10:45pm – Ok, ok, it’s getting late I will put the book down and go to sleep. I will play some relaxation sounds off my phone and go to sleep.
11pm – I’m trying to sleep and memories are flashing before my eyes. I try to shake the images away, but they just won’t stop. I’m crying and curling up into a ball.
I eventually crawl my way out into the living room, and collapse at Nick’s feet. He sees me upset and starts to comfort me.
“Bad dreams?”, he asks.
“No”, I say between sniffles. “Flashbacks”.
Possibly one of the worst things about having a trauma history is the invasive memories. They come out of seemingly nowhere and refuse to let go once they have me in their grasp.
11:10pm – Nick and I are back in the bed watching Netflix off one of the iPads. The cat is happily purring away between us and is delighted that Nick is in bed so early.
I know I am trying to avoid having the screens in bed, but there is no way I am going back to sleep while my past is trying to barge its way in to the present.
I’m still trying to work out how to manage these invasions of my mind. The only way I know how do it without alcohol is to drown it out with other media, but surely there are better ways.
12:30am? – I finally turn off the iPad and go to sleep. Hopefully I drift off before the thoughts can get to me.
On Reflection
Despite the poor sleep quality due to the late night and flashbacks, this was a pretty solid day. I am glad to see the pendulum is starting to swing back the other way after how difficult the earlier days of the week have been.
Ideally, I would have liked to have gotten more blogging done, but it simply wasn’t on the cards. I lacked the concentration needed, constantly jumping from one task to the next. Cooking instead let me play around in the kitchen, lifting up my overall mood for the day.
Overall, I think that the work I put in today will put me in good stead for tomorrow and the rest of the week.
Goodbye for now, and I hope to see you tomorrow for day 8 on my journey to wellness.
10:30am – I’m finally getting out of bed. I have already woken up multiple times this morning but I had zero motivation to get up. Part of me is still reluctant to get up, happy to sleep the day away. What’s the point?
11am – I am playing with my new markers and pens that were delivered to Nick’s office yesterday. I still have zero motivation to do anything productive, and my tremors are proving problematic while doing swatches in my collections journal. Sigh.
Also, why is there no number co-ordinating colours on Crayola® SuperTips markers!? I literally had to troll through the internet to find what the name of the colour for each marker was. I know this may sound silly, but we aren’t talking about a pack of like ten markers here. This is a pack of FIFTY markers, all in varying shades of the basic colours!!
12pm – I suppose I should eat something. It’s probably half the reason why my tremors are so bad. Peanut butter on toast it is.
12:30pm – Not posting yesterday means I am now two days behind, so I might try getting some blogging done. Maybe it will be enough to shake me out of this mood.
2:30pm – I can’t believe it. Writing out day 5 in all it’s horror actually worked.
I am feeling a little bit more ok knowing that this is just a blip on my road to recovery. Breakthrough!
6:30pm – Nick is back from work and I am feeling ok enough to go for a walk. The beach is gorgeous, and there are still so many people around. I have even done all the food prep for dinner so we can pop it on when we get back.
Is this the start of an upturn that I am desperately needing?
7:30pm– Dinner time! So glad I put the effort in to cook. I love this beef and potato curry – so tasty!
8pm – Nick asked me if I wanted to do some gaming with him and I said yes, “but only for 30 minutes”. Little did I know that when I said that the clock in the kitchen had not been changed for daylight savings. Oops! Guess I’m going to bed a little later than expected.
8:30pm – Time to start the sleep routine. No more screens. Shower. And a little bit of reading.
10pm – Sleep time. I put away my book, turn on some sleep sounds and hope that I am able to get a solid rest.
On Reflection
This day marked the beginning of a potential shift back to a more positive mindset. I’m see a light at the end of the tunnel here, and it is shining bright.
Nick is, once again, hitting it out of the park. I don’t know whether he has been doing research, or is simply reading cues I am unaware of, but he continuously seems to know what I need, when I need it. I am so blessed to have this kind of support in my life.
Today is also a solid demonstrated of the usefulness of blogging for my mindset. By doing these blog posts to break down my day, pulling it apart to work out what helping and what isn’t, I feel like I am making solid progress on my journey.
Have you ever sat down, reflected on your life and felt gratitude for all the horrible things that life has thrown at you?
Prior to this week, my answer would have been an unequivocal no, with a facial expression that suggested you are slightly mad for asking. I had never felt gratitude for the struggles I have gone through in my brief 28 years. However, when I was listening to a podcast last Thursday a switch in my brain suddenly flipped.
During the podcast, the host mentioned a woman who attended one of his recent comedy shows. The woman mentioned that just days before the show she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Upon hearing this, the host assumed this woman would be feeling a number of different emotions: denial, fear, anger, depression. But not gratitude.
So naturally, it came as a surprise to everyone when she said that in spite of feeling of these other expected emotions that come with something as devastating and life changing as a cancer diagnosis, she was grateful for having this challenge laid out in front of her. Then it hit me.
“Holy $#*%! I actually have a lot to be grateful for related to my past trauma”
I know you might think it sounds ridiculous, but bear with me as I break it all down. Here are the reasons why I am grateful for my trauma history.
I can see situations from different perspectives
Prior to some of my past experiences it was hard for me to understand how certain things can occur, or why people behave in certain ways in different situations. With my life experiences, I can now see how someone can find themselves in a dangerous situation, how a person can respond to violence as it is happening to them, and the aftermath of that.
My ability to see things from different perspectives also feeds into the next thing I am grateful for.
I am able to have compassion for people who are too often looked down on
Through what I have experienced and witnessed, I have compassion for those in society that others may not. We are all a collection of our cumulative life experiences.
I now know that I am stronger than the sum of my parts
You never know how resilient you are until that resilience is tested. And by God, has my resilience been tested.
Despite all the odds, not only am I functioning but I am achieving things that I never thought I could.
Would I go through all the trauma again to gain these insights? Probably not. Nor would I recommend it as a way to gain insight. However, it feels good to know I came out the other side with something greater than what was thrown at me. And that feeling is truly something to be grateful for.
Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong
Modern life tends to keep us very busy. So busy in fact that we forget to deal with the little things that sometimes fall through the cracks. Little things like the housekeeping, sorting out our mail, calling your mum – and even your self-care!
These tiny things also tend to build and cause problems down the track. You step out of the shower and find out you have no clean underwear (dammit!). The electricity bill never got paid because it is still sitting in the mailbox (#$%*!). Your mum calls you upset because she thinks you don’t love her anymore (sob). And now you’re feeling burnt out, overwhelmed and unable to cope.
Everyday stress is already hard enough to manage when you DON’T have an elevated baseline! So, how can we manage our lives and keep those stress levels in check? My ideal way to get on top of everything and back on track is the reset day.
What’s a Reset Day?
A reset day is one day out of your week that you put aside purely to restore a sense of order in your life by catching up on all those little things and putting some solid work into your self-care.
Well that sound’s great Danielle, but I don’t have a WHOLE DAY to spend on this stuff. I have a job/family/commitment that takes up all my time! Besides, a whole day JUST FOR ME that has to be selfish, right?
I’m hearing what you’re saying, but consider this – while you might think the act of setting aside time to take care of yourself is selfish, isn’t it in the best interest of your family/work/etc that you are at your best? When we are doing well, it shows, and it benefits the people around us. Just ask them! I’m sure they will agree.
Furthermore, while I call it a reset DAY, you can easily tailor it to meet your needs. Whether it be a reset hour, half-day, day or entire week! What you do and how you do it is entirely up to you. The core of the reset day is about bringing things back to a set baseline of order, whatever that might be for you.
What does a reset day look like? Each person’s reset day varies and reflects where you are at currently. At the moment my typical reset day involves:
– A general clean and tidy of the apartment
– Catching up on any tasks that fell by the wayside
– Taking some valuable me-time where I can mentally refresh
– And where possible, prepare for the upcoming week
While a dedicated reset day can be set to any day in your week, I prefer Sundays as I know I have an opening in my schedule to accommodate it.
What are the benefits? By incorporating a reset day into my life, I have been able to reduce my overall stress throughout the week, while I notice how chaotic life feels if I go without it. I start my Monday’s feeling refreshed, recharged and prepared for the week.
Give yourself permission to have a reset day. You won’t regret it.
Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm, and grow strong!
You know those days (or even weeks) where things are going really well? You’re doing your mindfulness exercises, making good food choices, working out and getting the right amount of sleep. You’re practically one of those annoying insta-model wellness gurus with how seemingly “together” your life is. And then it all comes crashing down….
Welcome to the recovery cha-cha! Where everything feels like it is going smoothly and then suddenly you’re on your ass wondering what happened.
The concept of the recovery cha-cha is simple: you are making great active steps forward to aid in your recovery…. and then (oops!) end up taking a giant fall backwards into a ditch. Not only is this completely normal, it is also incredibly common.
In the end this may feel like a net loss of progress, or that you are simply in the same place you were before you started. But in actual fact, you have made a tonne of progress!
“How have I made progress?”, you may ask yourself as you look around and find that everything still seems the way it was before. I know I sure did!Here’s how:
1. You actually took the steps to make the changes in the first place
This is huge! Especially when it is your first time giving these things a go and you feel like you have nothing but faith to get started. Making these changes are hard enough for people who are free of the challenges faced by people with mental health disorders – so give yourself a big pat on the back! You deserve it.
2. Change begets change
By taking those hard steps the first time around you are actually in a much better position the next time. Creating new behaviours and habits requires repetition, and the more we engage in it, the easier it becomes.
And if you still manage to fall back into the ditch, that’s ok too! It just means you’re even better equipped the next time. I have personally fallen in the ditch more times than I can count, and (while challenging at times) continue to pick myself back up.
3. You learnt something
Every time we fall down it’s a learning experience, even though in the moment it may not be visible.
Once the emotional response goes down and rational thinking returns, sit back and reflect. Ask yourself what triggered the relapse, make plans and strategies around your triggers and how to manage them if you were to be confronted by them again.
Hopefully now you can see that while the recovery cha-cha certainly is challenging at times, it’s worth the time to do the dance.
Goodbye for now, and remember – keep calm and grow strong!
Growing Strong 